Shadi’s Outcome!

Dedicated to Shadi Haddad a.k.a 5hadz, I wrote this as a reply to his post; “The outcome”

I believed my whole life that money is just a mean to get to your goals and never it is the goal. Money will get you a house in Amman, but it’ll never get you the grandchildren. Now-a-days people are never satisfied. No, I’m not talking about that stupid satisfaction which some people define as the lack of ambition. Satisfaction will be when you realize that the life you’re living is a thousand time better than what you’ve dreamt about 25 years ago. It’s when you say “..in his and our eyes that’s more than enough” and the fact that this feeling is what will keep you giving and pushing yourself beyond limits, to make him proud and to be proud. 🙂

Weird enough Shadi, that in the same time you wrote your post, I posted this as my status on facebook: “Life is all about appreciation. Make me happy, I’ll make you happier… Make me sad, I’ll ruin your life 🙂“

I was convinced that it shows power! Till my cousin “Ghassan” commented saying:

“من شكر فلنفسه و من كفر فعليها”

Even though I replied saying: “that would make sense only if you were dealing with gods,” but somehow what he said came into me. The human within me, which I apparently had masked and exiled, rebelled and hit me real hard. Thus, I wrote this reply but I didn’t post it; “It turned out I’m not a human! Only a lower multi-cellular organism, that feeds upon vanity. Ghassan, only recently, I’ve realized that; and I’m seeking salvation just to be a human again! Trying to swim against the flow but I’m swamped by it over and over again!!”

I slept that night with that thought in mind, just to wake up the next morning and read your post! How did I react you may ask! I turned off my laptop, get dressed and went for a long walk. Many thoughts came to my mind, previous conversations and images of people I knew. Then I realized that every feeling I express, every laugh I share is from a written scenario! For many years my friends blamed me for being good, for having a “good heart” till the extent that I preferred that people would curse me instead of saying, “Zeina, you have such a good heart!”

Through my whole life, everybody -friends, classmates and people I randomly met- never missed a chance to break my hopes, murder my joys and kill my passions. Here you are not allowed to express what you feel; you are not allowed to share you joys. Those are your weaknesses which your close, best friends will use to get you down, ruin your plans and fuck every moment of joy you’ll have!

I wish I was exaggerating. I wish I was wrong. The keywords to describe people here will be: hypocrisy, narcissism, fanaticism, vanity and being opportunistic. These traits created a fucked up community which lacks trust and honesty. Now I never remove the mask, and every thing I do is what is expected! I blame myself the most for being weak, for allowing this damned society to infect me!

I’ve always cherished friendship and friends. Now I wish I can enjoy one memory with past friends without the feeling of being used. After the realization how fake and fragile our relations were, I’ve taken the opposite extreme of staying away, not getting involved in any friendship, in any relation. But then I started reading your blog :). The openness in sharing personal thoughts, the courage to speak about anything- not necessarily “taboos”- but simple everyday details, the care about the other, the true feelings of solidarity of joy and pride. All of those broke me down, shattered my external strength and indifference. It made me see the fucked up person that I’ve became!

I want to stop living in an act. I want to be able to love, to laugh, to care and to believe in people again, and I will 🙂

Shadi, wala, hold on to your humanity, it’s giving me hope that good still exists, and humanity still exists! The day you’ll give up your humanity and cross to the other side, will be the day that I will believe that life is not fair and that God is not good!