Archive | September, 2009

Non sense!

28 Sep

I’m listening to Hani Shaker.

Yes I’m that depressed.

I hate Hani Shaker, but his songs remind me of an amazing period in my life.

That time I had the whole world in my hands.

My bro always tells me that whenever I’m down I should think of that one moment when I was on the top of the world.

Just another survival mechanism.

Another analgesic to kill the pain.

Another morphine dose to kill the sensation, to kill the nerves.

Another way to increase my threshold of sensitivity. Those Russians were some beasts… :///

Another way to grow stronger!

Another way to be less of a human…

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27 Sep

Weird how talking to some people gives you the sense of well being…

Just talking…

How come!!!

Secret Window

26 Sep

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room’s only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end.

They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation…

Every afternoon, when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.
The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.

The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite details, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine this picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon, the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man could not hear the band – he could see it in his mind’s eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.

Days, weeks and months passed.

One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.

As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside.
He strained to slowly turn to look out the window besides the bed.

It faced a blank wall.

The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window. The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.

The origin of this letter is unknown, though it reminds me of dad!

He used to ask me to open the curtains for him… “I want to see the sky“, he used to say, “I’ve counted the squares in the ceiling fan! Let me see the sky!”

*sigh*

I regret many things when it comes to dad! I wish I had done some things differently! But I was too caught up with myself, with my studies, with my problems. All he wanted was some more care, a bit more attention while he was sick!

Aren’t we all some selfish creatures!

Two years after he died I listened to this song; it’s called “open my window”

“افتحوا نافذتي” by Samih Shukair.

Here are the lyrics;

افتحوا نافذتي كي تدخل الشمس إلي

أو فأخرجوني يا أصدقائي ضاقت الجدران

علَّيّ

افتحوا نافذتي ليدخل الهواء إلي

فضاء غرفتي حجر

محاصرٌ ومكسور الجناح أنا

فأدخلوا الأشجار والمطر

أذوي هنا في الصمت والكآبة

ولا ترف روحي

من ينتشلني من أسى الرتابة

ويعيد لي جموحي

سواكم .. سواكم

فلتحضروا صباحكم عسى

تبددون عتمة المساء

أو فأخرجوني يا أصدقائي

ضاقت الجدران في غرفتي عَلَيّ

This song showed me the real situation, dad was living! And I regret not trying to understand. He needed us, he needed me :/ and I wasn’t there…

Express your love, your affection, your feelings.. whenever you have the chance… maybe you’ll regret holding back someday.

A whole Year…

23 Sep

It’s been a year since I’ve graduated from university!

Today marks the day I’ve became officially a graduate. September 23rd 2008 was the day I defended my report of final studies to obtain the Maîtrise és Sciences in Biochemistry.

I conducted my graduation project about Acute Promyelocytic Leukemia which is a sub-subtype of leukemia (blood cancer).

I wanted to talk about it more but I’m not in the scientific mood :/… maybe in another post!

Damn mood swings 😦 it’s either I’m having a major problem that is concerning me or it’s due to the high sugar intake and lack of sleep in the last few days! Oh, lol I think it’s due to both and the first is causing the latter! It’s really great how our body adapts to our mood, or psychology.

It’s amazing the human body… just amazing!

Well back to what happened in this day last year!

It was the day I had a minor nervous breakdown. I screamed my lungs out then broke into tears, and then yelled some more… cursed a bit then yelled, then cried again… Poor mom she had to deal with that frustration unleashing!

Then I slept for like 5 hours, ah it was in the afternoon around 1:00 pm to be accurate… Heheh ok, ok, more or less, but who cares!

That day I cut off two friendships, six years old each… I had the intentions since around 8 months before but I maintained good diplomatic relations till the end of university’s last term. Then I left with a final goodbye! Never talked to them again… though they did actually! But I can never trust their motivations again nor do I believe in second chances! I don’t hate them but I fear their bitterness. I despise how they hold a grudge! And the fact that I can’t have one good memory about them that I can enjoy! There will be always that feeling of being used!

First I was really annoyed whenever I had that feeling, then I let them use me. I could never be like them! I tried to be mean but I could not pull it till the end and I regret it. I don’t regret cutting them off though!

However people affect us during growing up I believe we always return back to basics! We return back to how we were when we were kids. Life experiences will give us a huge information center to dodge nasty people 😀 but never they would change who we are on the inside.

Take care of your children people! It’s always about the children, invest in them. Raise some morals in them! Society needs awareness now, we need to fight vengeance and vanity and not get swapped by them!

A mother

23 Sep

In my head, a thought of a post is growing :D. Till it’s fully mature and it flows out on its own I will not share it!!

So till then I’ll talk about this:

A mother

This “A Mother” I drew one day after my brother traveled to UAE :(.

Mom, while saying goodbye, had the same facial expressions.

She wanted to smile… but her eyes failed her!

Those traitors… :/

*sigh*

Well, what shall I say now?! Hmm…

Best of luck Fofts, I miss you 😦 and I love you.

Mom 🙂

Rain :)

21 Sep

Rain..

Cold breeze..

Cloudy skies…

The smell of Guava – which I hate –  :/…

Winter is back :):):)

Actually it’s Autumn, but who cares 😀 I want it to be winter 🙂

I love winter *sigh* …

Rain in the afternoon

Well the photo doesn’t show that it’s raining, but I love how  people start running when it rains..

Mighty powers this water has!  🙂

To go or not to go!

20 Sep

Today, the first day of Eid, I wanted to speak about the old forgotten –or maybe lost- joy of Eid.

I wanted to talk about the little kids in my neighborhood, who suddenly look clean! All the boys in the “7ara” look as good as new, ironed new clothes, freshly cut hair spiked with gel and shining shoes. All with the Eid’s must, a plastic “sophisticated” rifle or the famous “Em 7abbe”.
I wanted to talk about our own neighborhood’s barber, who opens till 4 a.m. the night of Eid and at 8 a.m. in the morning. I don’t get it, men only cut their hair before occasions :/. Mind you that, there is a barber shop every 10-15 meters in my2 kilometer squared neighborhood.

I wanted to talk about the families being all dressed up,  stuffed in cars on their way to pay the respects of Eid.

I wanted to speak about firecrackers! About the good memories of burning holes in our new clothes :D! About the time when I almost lost an eye pulling stunts with firecrackers!

:/  Yeah, I was in a good mood this morning 😀

But then a twist in the tale happened and my mood crashed the lowest bottoms in the afternoon.

I was brought back to doubting my plans, back to being lost and reluctant. Again I was suffocating, while being tied up. Again the struggle between my free spirit and my disciplinary and  strict self.

Many thoughts commanded instant answers! Answers I didn’t have!
Am I just running away, or am I following my personal legend?
Is this a reasonable decision, or is it based just on an emotional rush?
Is it what is best for me, or it’s just what I want?
And am I asking those questions to get the acceptance of the system or so I can know better?

Well I think I can never know unless I try it! I made up my mind! I won’t be a hypocrite to please the system. I’m rejecting the life I’m living, changing it, not running from it! I don’t have to die trying to show someone -who doesn’t care in the first place- that I’m no coward! It’s a reasonable decision, backed up with emotions :).
It’s what I want, and I’ll strive to make it the best for me!