On Survival and Living-II- A Twist in The Tale!

Then all you have is 2 seconds.. 2 seconds to weigh the whole thing.. You’ll turn into a psychic, you can see the future. For 2 seconds you get the insight, for you will know the exact reaction of each of them for every possible scenario you composed in the first fractions of these 2 seconds..

You are shaking and sweating.. yet you can see yourself from across the room..calm and poised, but your face, the same face you saw starring at you each day in the mirror, looks different..

You look closer, you study the lines of your face trying hard to know what had changed.. You look at all those people around you.. and you figure it all.. it’s not about you anymore..

Now you know..

You take a final look at yourself, wipe a tear and bid it-yourself- farewell.

While you came to this world with a cry for oxygen, you hold your tears now.. It’s not about you anymore.

When the challenge is not a wrong choice, a problem with your boss, failing that physics test, being dumped or even heartbroken.. survival is not a luxury anymore and fighting becomes a lifestyle.

Every other thing becomes secondary and you just do not care anymore.

No this is not despair, but the only thing that matters is what you carve in the hearts of others.
Nothing else matters but to comfort your sister.. your little brother.. your sick mother..

It is not about you anymore.

Survival now, is when you accept what happened, when you have the courage to admit that you have to accept your defeat and that your human capabilities are limited..

Years after that you’ll realize that what have changed was not related to your face lines, but what reflects the soul..
Look at your most recent, most spontaneous, photos… what do you see in your eyes?!

“لا تصدق أن الإنسان ينمو. لا. إنه يولد فجأة: كلمة ما، في لحظة، تشق صدره على نبض جديد، مشهد واحد يطوح به من سقف الطفولة إلى وعر الطريق”.

غسان كنفاني بيروت 1967

فضول طفل
أم قدر رجل؟

On survival and living

Once, I was a fierce activist, I shared in all demonstrations and protests, I even coordinated some. I wrote articles, prepared flyers and posters to be distributed.. I got swept by intense debates and even word fights..

There was a time when I was a nerd, a science nerd! I would study for 19 hours per day, no TV no internet. I would wake up at 5 AM, or pull an all nighter to get into the depth of a subject spending free times in libraries, researching online..

I recall being a basketball fanatic, playing the game, being in the school’s team, watching Lebanon winning Asian Basketball Championship. Cheered Sagesse team in each of his games and had Fadi Al-Khateeb’s  pics all over my closet..

There was a time when I was the very girly girl! Pink became sacred and I turned into a fashion maniac. I would spend more than 8 hours per day shopping. I read beauty magazines, watched E entertainment 24\7. Became an expert in hair products, skin care, make up.. you name it!

I had been an extreme mischievous girl. I -with my friends at that time- broke the windows of a couple of factories nearby. Spitted chewed bubble gum on moving cars from above a bridge. We destroyed private properties, entered abandoned homes and factories. We befriended some homeless dogs with fleas :D. Hit some other kids, and bullied the rest…

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Lately, life has became a monotone..a boring series of actions and reactions and I am merely living..

What makes survival different than living? Isn’t to survive means to stay alive?

Survival is highly correlated to risk factors, while living is just a monotonous chain of actions. This reminds me of a song for Khaled Al-Haber called at 7:00 a.m. It describes an ordinary day in an ordinary person’s life, and it is seriously the most boring song I have ever heard.
What I’m trying to say here is that life without a challenge, is not worth living.

Just reflect upon the following;

Am I living challenging death, or Am I living because I didn’t die yet!

Do I live waiting to die? Accomplishing every-day’s tasks just to make time pass, or I’m running out of time to accomplish things.

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to be continued..

April 8th

Today marks the 25th birthday of my best friend 🙂

I hope she’s having a great birthday party and greater years to come..

In a perfect world I would have arranged that party for her.

It just aches to look back avoiding so many many photos, letters, doodles and scratches.. trying to avoid the memories, the laughs and clumsiness!

It aches to have to start every stage with new people, to have to get used to them and learn their details..

To have a new best friend, to put yourself in so much shit  -again- so she can meet her boyfriend-to-be.

To know their favorite foods and make your mom cook it when they come over.

To stay with them in the rain during a stormy night in December so they can check if that girl is actually his girlfriend! To dance idiotically for a song by Timbaland while trying to finish the karyograms for genetics lecture the next morning…

Drowned in tears or those are the memories blocking oxygen..

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Friendship is just overrated.